Everyone has fought battles. Some we win, some we lose, some we are still fighting. Some fights we fight on the battleground; our work places, schools, the streets, our homes.... I too have been fighting my battles. But I must say that over the past few months this battle has been raging on and on. This battle of mine is internal; a fight between myself and my inner demons. And I must say that internal battles are the most difficult battles. After all, I am fighting against myself.
This battle is a valiant one, but it has also been difficult. I find myself questioning things I once thought I knew the answers to. I found myself doing things I knew I should not be doing. So then what? The same thing happens over and over again. I came to realize that this is in fact nobody's fault but mine. This battle cannot be won by just somebody else. Not my pastor, nor my parents. This battle is mine, and I alone must win. Well, to an extent. Sin repeats itself in me continously. Just when I think i've won, I fall. So then what? The feeling of me coming back to my Lord again and again knowing that I have failed develops a sense of dread and wondering if I will ever win this fight.
But it cannot be said that I am to fight this alone. I cannot say this simply because I CANNOT fight this alone. A verse from Luke struck me; an irony that I heard it on graduation day. I quote.
Luke: Chp 11: Vs 14 - 20:
14 Jesus was driving out a demon that was mute. When the demon left, the man who had been mute spoke, and the crowd was amazed. 15 But some of them said, "By Beelzebul, the prince of demons, he is driving out demons." 16 Others tested him by asking for a sign from heaven.
17 Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: "Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall. 18 If Satan is divided against himself, how can his kingdom stand? I say this because you claim that I drive out demons by Beelzebul. 19 Now if I drive out demons by Beelzebul, by whom do your followers drive them out? So then, they will be your judges. 20 But if I drive out demons by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come upon you.
This struck me because I realize a similarity of that in my life. I am divided against myself, and if I am divided against myself I am going to fall. That is simple. The conclusion of the battle is this; should I fight the inner demons myself, I cannot win. But the beauty is this: If Jesus drives the demons out, then the kingdom of God will come upon me. How assuring is it to know in the midst of continuing this raging battle against myself, God is on my side? And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear? So fight valiantly my brothers and sisters! But know full well you cannot win this battle alone! Rest assured that God is on your side! Remember always that when the battle seems lost, when the darkness seems endless, God will win the battle for you. So fight the good fight. My lesson is learned and my strength renewed to fight on valiantly for this battle against my inner demons. May the kingdom of God come upon us all. Amen.